well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
