I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
