Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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