I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize