she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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