Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
love makes seman taste better
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
