You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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