Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I don't deserve a penis
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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