I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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