Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
