For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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