I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Vodka?
Forever.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize