And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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