I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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