you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
