So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She bit a glass in half.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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