He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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