I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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