i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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