He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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