Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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