I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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