Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
