why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
