Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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