yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Im part way to drunk.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
