i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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