Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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