things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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