i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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