I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
