apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
