Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
