Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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