can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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