Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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