Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
