I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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