How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
