she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
