my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
