he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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