he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
