While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
