that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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