I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize