I never want to see another naked old woman again.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
