So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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