Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
