There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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