I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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