am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
