I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
