My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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