Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
