thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize