so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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