oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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