So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
