matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
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