Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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