My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My balls are so social today.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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