I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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