when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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