my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
