I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
