College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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